A friend of mine recently posted this marital rating scale to Facebook and we all got a big kick out of it. I assumed it would be hilariously sexist (I was right) and decided to take it for funsies.
First I looked at the questions and laughed for a good 20 seconds. I like the idea of a demerit and merit system, it makes me feel like I should have badges and a sweet sash to sew them to. Let’s see what sort of badges one can get…
Firstly, we shall see if I do bad, demerit-y things:
1. Am I slow to coming to bed, delaying until husband is almost asleep? M is such a light sleeper it doesn’t matter what time I come in, but yes, I generally come in after him and scare the shit out of him.
2. Do I like children? Yes, I love children. Not enough to have some right this very second, but someday.
3. Do I fail to sew on buttons or darn socks regularly? If M comes to me asking to sew on a button, I’ll do while I’m doing something else, like watching TV. But darning socks? Bitch, this is 2014 and I can go to Target and get a bag of brand new socks for $3.
4. Do I wear soiled or ragged dresses and aprons around the house? When I’m chilling at home, I wear PJs – who dresses for being home alone? And when I’m baking, my aprons are generally forgotten until after the fact, but when I remember, I promptly throw them in the laundry basket afterwards. So my clothes are clean. I pass.
5. Do I wear red nail polish? Hell yes I do, because I’m a wanton harlot and that’s just how we trollops roll.
6. Am I often late to appointments? I pride myself on punctuality, so NO.
7. Are my seams in hose often crooked? I don’t wear hose because I’m not 95. But the creator of this test would probably consider a lack of hose super scandalous. Because, like I said, I’m a wanton harlot. Sorry, M.
8. Do I go to bed with curlers in my hair or too much face cream? No, because ouch and ew. BUT! There is some moisturizer that I use at night that M hates the smell of. I don’t give two toots – it makes my face feel nice.
9. Do I put my cold feet on my husband at night to warm them? This question startled me because I do exactly that. M hates it and lets out a (very manly) squeal when place my dainty and ice-cold feet upon him. I guess that makes for a bad wife, but whatever, he’s a furnace and I’m always cold.
10. Am I a back seat driver? No, because I hate it when other people do that and will stop the car and punch anyone who tries to tell me how to drive.
11. Do I flirt with other men at parties or at restaurants? No, because M is the cutest ever and that’s mean and weird. Plus I am terrible at flirting.
12. Am I suspicious and jealous? Yes, but only because M is a villainous ne’er-do-well who is always doing mysterious, shady things at night in dark alleys. But no, I’m not.
So! Not too bad with the demerit part I guess. Any points I accumulated will be dashed with the upcoming portion, though:
1. Am I a good hostess – even to unexpected guests? Yes, I like to make food for people and ply them with drinks in my home. I don’t really like it when people show up out of nowhere, but I won’t murder them or anything.
2. Do I have meals on time? Not really. Things sometimes take longer than expected. But it’s always within 30 minutes of what I planned!
3. Can I carry on an interesting conversation? I’m a conversational wizard. I’m a modern-day Socrates with my dialoguin’.
4. Can I play a musical instrument? Not even one. Why is this an important part of being a wife?
5. Do I dress for breakfast? Unless that breakfast is a brunch with mimosas at a public place, hell no. Breakfast at my house includes shuffling around the kitchen in slippers and PJs and running into things.
6. Am I a neat housekeeper? I keep things orderly. I don’t run a white-glove tight ship of a house or anything, but I can walk from one room to another without tripping over stuff or getting hepatitis or something.
7. Do I personally put children to bed? No, because I have no children. It’d be weird if I stole children just to personally put them to bed.
8. Do I never go to bed angry and always make up first? I don’t like going to bed angry, but I have in the past and probably will again at some point. And I’m not going to make up first if I’m right. Nuts to that.
9. Do I ask husband’s opinion regarding important decisions? Yes, don’t all spouses do that – husband and wife? I wouldn’t run out and buy a car without consulting him first.
10. Do I have a good sense of humor? Am I jolly and gay? Yes, yes, and yes. I’m the jolliest and the gayest.
11. Am I religious? Do I send the children to Sunday school and attend church myself? Three big fat NOs.
12. Do I let husband sleep late on Sundays and holidays? M wakes up at the crack of dawn everyday on his own. I am the one who likes to sleep in. And he lets me for fear of incurring my wrath.
I received a final score of 1. ONE. According to this test, that makes me a failure at marriage. No sweet sash with merit badges for me! M is stuck with this scandalous, lazy, non-God-fearing, tart of a wife. But I think he might be okay with it.